my thoughts have moved...

2007-08-07T02:02:57Z

Bulimia is a high, a drug, an addiction you can't live without.
Bulimia is hating yourself so much that you think you don't deserve food.
Bulimia is throwing up until you see blood but keep going because you think you can still feel food in your stomach.
Bulimia is being splashed in the face by your own vomit.
Bulimia is having to sing while you go to the bathroom so everyone knows your not puking between your legs.
Bulimia is bloody and scared knuckles.
Bulimia is flocking out of school because classes got in the way or your b/p-ing.
Bulimia is spending all your rent money on food.
Bulimia is knowing that every time you lean over the toilet you risk having a heart attack and not caring.
Bulimia is having a container specifically used for throwing up in your room.
Bulimia is fucking you electrolytes up soo badly that you can't walk straight.
Bulimia is devouring 3 large pizzas in 5 minutes and then spending the next half hour trying to get it up.
Bulimia is being so addicted to laxatives that you have to swallow a box at a time just to get any results.
Bulimia is feeling food come back up in your throat because you can't keep anything down.
Bulimia is ruptures esophagus and stomach ulcers.
Bulimia is where you’d rather risk throwing up pills like birth control rather than keep food down.
Bulimia is always smelling like vomit no matter how many times you wash your hands.
Bulimia is people staring at you at the gym because you've been there for six hours.
Bulimia is not being able to go out with your friends for dinner because you won't have time to throw up.
Bulimia is when you think about food 24 hours of the day.
Bulimia is basing your self worth off the numbers on a scale.
Bulimia is passing out in your bathroom.
Bulimia is crying because you want to stop so bad but you just can't.
Bulimia is having purging withdrawals.
Bulimia is having food come out when you blow your nose.
Bulimia is rotting teeth.
Bulimia is being able to eat a meal and still throw it up 5 hours later.
Bulimia is people staring at you every time you go to the bathroom.
Bulimia is missing holidays so you can stay home and fast instead.
Bulimia is blue nail and clumps of hair falling out.
Bulimia is blacking out if you stand up to quickly.
Bulimia is not being able to shower with the lights on because you can't stand the sight of yourself.
Bulimia is a eighty pound girl with chipmunk cheeks.
Bulimia is edema.
Bulimia is eating until you have to crawl to the bathroom.
Bulimia is swallowing whole bottles of icepec syrup at one time.
Bulimia is glands so swollen doctors think you have mono.
Bulimia is not understanding why you can't be as pretty/thin/smart as she is.
Bulimia is never being good enough.
Bulimia is not being able to hold a conversation because your so malnourished.
Bulimia is crying because fuck why can't you just be normal.

and yet...you cant leave it.

moving my blogs to xanga [http://www.xanga.com/FictitiousxTruth], keeping this for my fics...that are comming soon.

day four.

2007-08-03T02:06:36Z

Today is day four of my fast; soon it will be day five. I usually don’t get to fast for this amount of time, but somehow I managed to get around everything, fool everyone. I had coffee today with my friend, I used the old, ‘my stomachs feeling funny today…’ which really is no lie, so I didn’t have any snack with her.

I went to the store with my mother; she wanted to get something to eat. I grabbed a coke zero, and so she wouldn’t get suspicious I grabbed a bag of Swedish fish candy.

There in a bag under my bed.

So far I lost 8lbs this week. I really need to step it up, I want to loose as much as I can before school starts up.

Kind of exhausted…I think I might go to bed now.

::Looking through the metamorph mirror; distorted images and all::

my thoughts have moved...

day four.